HR executive's Love Letter

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 27th of July at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
( HR Executive )

Dozen best logics

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is likeexpecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian.Think about it.

3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,but what we are inside .. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see theadmiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,walk as if you don't care who rules the world!That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!

5. Every lady hopesthat her daughter will marry a better man than she didand is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his fatherdid!!!

6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel tothe Crocodiles!

8. So many options for suicide:Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,jumping from a building, lying on train tracks,but we chose Marriage, slow sure!

9. Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest has girlfriends!

10. All desirable things in life are eitherillegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

11. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal NehruWe should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma GandhiAb aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di??? (which one you choose?)

12. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.Which makes it a logical statement that90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

An Ex-Wife's Revenge

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air Fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad t he smell was, he agreed on a Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.... ........including the curtain rods.

================

Heeeeeeeeehe If only all women could be that smart....we would have ruled the world

No Work at office - Try these

If you find it very boring in the office, here are some tips:
1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.

2. Make blank calls to your Boss.

3. Send mails from lotus notes (outlook)to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?)and read them there, and note down the time they take to reach there.Then do vice versa.............!!

4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else's chair just to irritate him/her.

5. Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).

6. Watch other people changing their facial ex-pressions whileworking and try changing your ex-pressions also.

7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.

8. Make faces at strangers in office.

9. Have a two and hlaf hours lunch; it's a big social occasion.

10. Learn to whistle.

11. Revise last week's newspaper.

12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.

13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.

14. Compile "How to waste your day"

15. Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.

16. Have work breaks in between tea.

17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time(till it finally crashes).

18. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore them.. Then repeat this process.

19. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.

20. After trying everything...when you are tried....Make use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap.

"Not My Job Award" goes to High way maintaince department

HR's Just Facilitators

Laughs & Smiles

Future Exam Pattern in India
1. General students - Answer ALL questions.
2. OBC - WRITE ANY one question.
3. SC - ONLY READ questions. AND
4. ST - THANKS FOR COMING
... CHEERS TO RESERVATION......
==============================================
A Quality Engineer married an average girl…
After 2 years of tough life with her, finally Engineer got angry and sent a note to father-in-law stating that
"YOUR PRODUCT NOT MEETING MY REQUIRMENTS".

The smart father-in-law replies,
"WARRANTY EXPIRED. MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE"
================================
Tourist at Niagara Falls
Guide : I welcome you all to Niagara Falls, these are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the NiagaraFalls.
=============== =========
Man: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God : "So you would love her."
Man : "But, God, why did you make her so dumb?"
God : "So she would love you."

Indian

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at theIndian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow '$5,000' ?

The Indian replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return''

Great Indian Mind. Heehehe

Definitions

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce: Future tense of marriage

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... Except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills .

Male Bashing...for a change

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hitThe ground first?
A: Who cares?????.. ...

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have noIntention of driving. (the best one)

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Managers can

A team of Managers was given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape. They're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the Engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs." See this idiot. We're looking for height and he gives the length!"

Moral: "No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in you".

Secret of a happy marriage

Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."X asked, "Can you explain?"Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."Still not convinced, X asked Y "Give me some examples"Y said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"X asked, "Then what is your role?"Y said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".

North Indian Wife Vs South Indian wife

North Indian Wife Vs South Indian Wife
**A North Indian GIRL as WIFE ***
1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movies, theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her grey hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south india until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to " walk out"
11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.
12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"

*** A South Indian GIRL as WIFE ***

1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras / Anna University .
2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."
3. She shudders if you use four letter words.
4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)
5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.
6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.
7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)
8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for the dog or for herself.
9. For weddings, she sports a MINI JASMINE GARDEN on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.
10. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
11. Her favourite food is Dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')
12. She bores you by telling you which Raaga each song you hear is based on..
13. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..
14. Her Mangal Sutra weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.
15. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you.

Management - Moral Story

Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died. Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death. He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN. But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL. Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc. Then why the differential treatment? He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived notions. Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test.

PVNR is asked to spell " INDIA " and he does it correctly.
Advani is asked to spell " ENGLAND " and he too passes.
It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell " CZECHOSLOVAKIA ".
Laloo protests that he doesn't know English. He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.

Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).
PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and passes.
Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.
Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....." Tough one. He fails again. Laloo is extremely unhappy.

Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't),he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.
PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence ?". He replied "1947" and passed.
Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?". He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000. Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.
It's Laloo's turn now. ' Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle. Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.

Moral of the story: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE........

THE SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" . She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."

Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after. "

Laloo - Microsoft -English Translation

Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA . A few days later he got this reply:

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad, You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.Thanks Bill Gates.

Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a press conference : "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai." Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya You do not meet ----- aap to miltay hee naheen ho our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee. No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi. Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad. Bill Gates. ---- Tohar Bilva.

:)

Tech support- Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities. Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5 , and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.Please help!Thanks, "A Troubled User"

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that people complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0 STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With ShortSkirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck, Tech Support ...